PTC - yeah you know me...

Okay it is just past five o'clock when I start to write this entry and here I am in the midst of Parent Teacher Conferences. Just another 'fun' aspect of the teaching profession. In order to make myself more available to parents because a phone is super inconvenient I have to sit here and wait around for parents to come by and ask me the same stupid question over and over again.

"Should my kid take the AP test?"

"Why isn't my child comprehending the book?"

"Why is my child getting an 'F'?"

And these sort of things. It is a real blast let me tell you. And I, being the diplomat I am, sit here with a happy face and tell them (a bold faced lie) that I love their child and am so glad they grace me with their presence every other day.

What I would LOVE to answer those questions above with would be the following:

"Should my kid take the AP test?"
"If you have to ask - no - I'm not sure why I am in any position to be making life decisions for your child. Maybe what you should do is when your kid is ready to get married you should come ask me if that is the right decision. Or the first job I'm sure I would have more insight into your child than you do. Heck when your kid is being supported by life support in some hospital because he snorted some substance for a little fun and drove on a suspended license running over a gaggle of catholic school girls before himself running into a light post why don't you come to me and ask me if you should pull the plug. Because obviously I spend more time with your child than you do and can answer these sort of questions. By the way the answer to all those future questions are no, no, and yes."

"Why isn't my child comprehending the book?"
"I don't know why don't you have your kid learn to read before you enroll her into an AP class.
Here is a major newsflash for you. Your kid is not smart. She pretends to be smart. You pretend they are smart, but the reality is. She is not. In fact for some delusional reason you have put your kid in an AP class even though I'm not sure they'd make it in the regular class. And that is being nice. The reality is you kid probably won't make it in the state penitentiary. The best thing you can do for your kid right now is lower expectations and when I say lower let me just say that don't let your child get lost in a room full of preschoolers because if it weren't for the size of your child's body she would be lost forever. She'd be lost in a world of lettered blocks, choo choo trains, and chutes and ladders (all about her speed). Of course that'd probably be all new to her because you probably thought she could skip that level and go right to Jr. High. You are such an insightful parent."

"Why is my child getting an 'F'?"
"The reason your kid is getting an F is probably because they don't do the homework. That usually has a correlation. But your child does study, you say? Well it also has to do with comprehension. Simply running your eyes over a book does not mean comprehension. When your kid goes to their room and says they are reading there is a good chance they are cruising the internet talking to creepy older men after having circumvented your Net Nanny program. In fact they probably have already planned their first meeting to happen when they "go out with their friends." The reality, sir/madam, your kid is getting an F because you are F'ing clueless. Do you know what F'ing clueless is? It's when you are so blind to what your kid is really doing and what your kid really gets involved in that they are doing everything they can to neglect their school work behind your back. Thus resulting in an 'F' in school. This make you F'ing clueless. The reason your kid is getting an F is because the idiot doesn't fall very far from the idiot tree."

Here is some other fun stuff you see at PTC's...

The clueless dad - the dad that wanders into the school (for probably the first time) with the blankest of blank stares on his face. Where does he go? What does he do? No body knows.

The super duper efficient wonder teacher - the teacher that has papers to grade, books to read, students to teach, air to breathe - and they can do it all while meeting with parents. They have the entire table covered with other work they are working on. Hey - it is a good chance to show off to the principle that you are "such a good teacher." Then in the classroom - doesn't matter.

Uber-mom - This is the mom that comes to meet all the teacher even though she knows that her child is getting an A or A+, if possible, in every class. But it makes her day just to go around and prove that the real reason her child is getting an A is because she is such an attentive mom and goes to parent teacher conferences and is so involved in the upbringing of her child. Hey - why not take credit for some of your DNA - turned student?

Busy Dad - Wearing a suit of course he comes in with a vengeance. There is no time for chit chat there is no time to be lost and confused like clueless dad. He is here with a purpose and he has alloted 15 mintues. So he better be able to do it now and quickly. If the system isn't comprehensive and the pattern of desks where the teachers are set up doesn't make sense he will be sure to have his secretary send an email of complaint in tomorrow. Busy Dad is usually here for two reasons - one because wife is at home eating bon bon's and is not interested in coming to this event or his wife has "been to the last 15 parent teacher conferences you can do at least one!" You know to be right to the point when you are approached by busy dad.

There are so many more but I think I'm going to leave it be for now. Maybe I should call over the next parent that is at the front of the line waiting for me to acknowledge them. 40 minutes to go and I can't wait to be out of here.

editors note: obviously this is all a hyperbole. I do quite enjoy many of my students and their parents.

We are going WAY back today to 3rd grade

There I am taking my standard place in elementary school. Back row center. I was always the tallest and so there is where you can always find me. This was Mrs. Taua's third grade class.
Mrs. Taua was one of my favorite elementary teachers that I had for both third and second grade. I always felt like I was her favorite (I think I really was) and she always treated me that way. She was a great teacher. I remember learning cursive from her in 3rd grade and telling time in 2nd.

I also have a distinct memory of a student going up to her to ask her how to spell "a" like "uh" from "I want to go on a horse." She started to laugh very hard - as a teacher now I am sure it was uncontrollable. I wonder which one of those smiling faces it was - actually come to think of it - it was probably one of the frowning faces. If some of my high school friends come here you may recognize some of the faces. Front left is my cousin Missy. I can probably name about half of them still maybe more. The girl on the second row second in from the left in the pink shirt I remember stabbing with a pencil in like fourth or fifth grade (she asked for it). To my right in the picture was Shar Silver - who I "went out" with in like sixth grade. Sorry Shar. We were both tall it seemed like the right thing to do. :-) Two over from my left is an old school friend, Suzy Gunnuscio that sent me this picture.

Ahhh good times. I dintinctly remember that sweatshirt I was wearing - Ski Utah baby! And that hair - that was not my worse year, believe me. If I get the nerve up I may post my sixth grade photo...now that is a winner. I know my entire family just laughed. Lets just say it was still acceptable for kids to have somewhat mullety hair (hey if slater could do it) and my parents somehow convinced me (I think it was cheaper) that I looked good in some child-molester super large gold glasses.
But we will have to wait and see if I have the nerve for that. I don't yet.

I Fly, You Fly, We All Fly For I Fly - the birthday bash continues

Today we thought we would mark Brandon turning thirty - yes, folks, thirty - with something memorable. So we reserved some flying time up at IFly in Ogden. It is basically a wind tunnel that simulates sky diving. We got to fly around for ten minutes divided among the four of us. It was a very memorable and fun experience. It was a little chaotic in the tunnel and weren't exactly sure what we needed to do to go up and down. In fact it felt like they were adjusting the fan's constantly so we would go up and down no matter what even though we tried desperately to understand the control we had - or didn't have.

We got a commemorative video of the experience and so here is an edited version for you! Brandon looked scared and if you can see his super hyped smile you will understand. I was too fat for the system and they had a hard time finding a speed for the fan I was either being shot up above the instructor or hovering on the bottom of the floor. Brandon's mom was all over the place - and the instructor even took off and flew with her.

I think everyone had a good time and it was definitely memorable!

The person standing in tunnel is our instructor and then Brandon is first to go and then me (I'm the giant blob that the fan has a hard time keeping up), then his mom and then is dad. Then the same rotation. Here is a video we got after I cut out some stuff. It is still kinda long - but I got tired of editing it. You should at least go to the last minute and watch the instructor do his stuff at the end. It was AMAZING!

Happy 30 Brandon!!!

It is a big day, folks. Today Brandon turns the big three - oh. He has informed me though that at the time of this writing he is going to not be 30 for three more hours. He was born around one o'clock California time. So noon our time. Today Brandon's dad asked me if I had told Brandon about his hearing aid and cane fitting appointments. Yesterday before I left work the second before I shut the door I said "enjoy the last day of your twenties." He got up early this morning and his mom asked him why he hadn't slept in and he responded - I'm old now, I can't sleep in.

As fun as all the quips about being old are...and believe me there is still, for me, a year and three months worth. The real fun was seeing everyone and having everyone come out to a wonderful b-day dinner at Blue Iguana last night. Brandon's parents were too nice and treated everyone to an excellent meal. Thank you to everyone for braving the weather and coming out. For those who couldn't make it we missed you. For those of you not invited...well...tough. :-)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY!

btw - if you have some good photo's of the night I'd love to have a copy! :-)



UPDATE: 6:35 PM
For B's birthday we thought it'd be fun to go to a dinosaur museum. He's a big 'ol dino fan. So here are some pics from the event.

Who's the oldest one in this picture?


We didn't think Brandon would taste as good as he used to - old meat. Maybe the shark doesn't care?

No one should have to work under these conditions

look closely at that picture. Any guesses as to what that is and where it was?

A little background: I have bathroom issues. I don't like public restrooms. I hate them and at every chance possible I do not use them. Unfortunately in the work place it is sometimes a must. Believe me I have tried to go without. It just doesn't work. To make matters worse I am horribly pee shy. If someone were to try and pee right next to me I dry right up. It isn't even worth the try. I have to be strategic and smart in my pee place decisions. It can be a rough life.

At my school there are two bathroom options and two bathroom issues to take into consideration. The faculty bathroom, the regular (kid accessible) bathroom, and number 1 and number 2. All combinations take serious consideration and forethought.

For number two the first two years at my school there was no question I had to use the faculty bathroom. The idea of doing that where the kids do that seriously makes me want to instantaneously ralph. Over the last year I have eased up on that restriction mostly out of necessity. The faculty bathroom is on the other side of the school. Sometimes it is not a reasonable option.

With number one, however, I was fully willing to explore the possibilities of using the kids bathroom which is very convenient only two doors down from my classroom. The safety was very soon lost as I have discovered what is in the pictures a couple of different times. I'm saying that I have seen a plethora of these strewn about the bathroom - it was cleaned up - and then later it was re-established among the urinals and sinks. Any guesses as to what it is yet?

It is a streak of a bloodyish booger someone smeared on the tile next to the urinal. But get this. It isn't the only one. Here are two more in different locations including the side of the urinal next to that one. I can't believe I have to teach these disgusting humans. Strike that. I don't even think you can call them humans. I can't believe I have to teach these disgusting creatures. That is one of the most horrific things I have ever seen. Grand.



There is nothing worse to one who has bathroom problems than to make that experience grosser, smellier, boogier. Leave it to teenagers to do all of the above.

Now I know the question has probably come up why did I have a camera in the bathroom. I knew this would be an issue. The reality is this is the third edition of the bloodyish booger. Each time I have silently vomited small amounts in my mouth and obediently returned to work. The third time I felt it was necessary I shared my pain with the blogging world. I took out my phone and took a couple pictures before leaving the bathroom.

If by any chance you think about smearing one of your bloodyish boogers on the wall of the bathroom next time you are in there - please think of the poor and depressed teachers that might come in and see your remains sitting there stuck and infused to the bathroom tiles. We will all be better for it.

Rumple - I can't believe I'm posting this - stiltiskin

Okay - I guess it is only fair that I put my performance on the blog as well. Enjoy it while it is here because it may not last.

Happy Historic Voting Day!!!

As I was driving home today I called Brandon to see how his day went. He commented that he had voted this morning and how he had to take a moment to think about the historic moment of voting for a black man. I have gotten so caught up in this election and who was winning and who was going to win in November that I have lost sight of how amazing this election is. A black man, a woman, a Mormon. How cool is that?

Of course if you are reading this you know I am a Democrat. This is my first cross over post from my other political blog Left Out In Utah. After growing up under the regime of Republicans in Utah I am not sure I could ever vote Republican - I have been scarred for life.

Okay I'm not here to make a political tirade - that is for my other blog. I just wanted to post to say how happy I am to be a Democrat where today (despite there being other names on the ballot due to the drop-outs) I had to choose between two amazing candidates. One a woman. One a black man. I couldn't be more proud of the progressiveness of my Party. It was a historic day. I hope you all enjoyed it as well - no matter which primary you voted in.

For me however...

Let the "fun" begin...

Would you ever think you would attend a high school dance again? I mean, really? If you have graduated from high school would it ever cross your mind that one day you might have to attend a dance again? Well it didn't mine either, but this is the second year I have been forced to.

I am the sophomore class officer adviser where I teach and one of our functions is to put on the Valentines dance. This year it was moved to today - the second of February - because of conflicts with other activities. Over the last month me, along with the officers and sophomore committee, have put together a dance theme, posters, decorations, lunch time activities for the week, and sold tickets to tonights events.

Now I am sitting here at the school in my classroom waiting for the committee to arrive so we can start decorating the gym. Ugh. I hate my job.

Last year it took all day to do it. I stayed here from about 11 o'clock to about midnight. On a Saturday. Ugh. I hate my job.

This year I convinced the students to throw away those stupid cheesy song titles for dances and come up with a cool sheik name. Our dance theme is simply..."RED." I know this conjers up GAP campaigns of the past - or some cause that Bono would latch himself onto - but it was inspired by the main color of Valentines day. It has gone over pretty well - the students seem to like it. I think it is the coolest theme ever! Ugh. I hate my job.

I will post some pictures of the decorations later once they get all up. I hope it goes smoothly and I get to get out of here for a break around dinner time before the dance fires up at 8. I also have to psychologically prepare myself to see students getting too close to one other - touching each other - and even some kissing. It makes me want to vomit. I'm really not sure why we encourage this type of behavior among the youth of this community. But it is my job. Ugh. I hate my job.

UPDATE: Here is a photo of the work. The idea is to add as much RED as possible. It looks like crap....but oh well...





UPDATE AGAIN : it is 6:10...we are pretty much done. Well the kids are and they are going home. No one has ever told me exactly what I am supposed to do here. Because if I leave I figure I need to lock up the building. I don't know. But I don't have a key. I could leave the building unlocked and empty but I don't think that would be responsible. So here I sit. Waiting for this stupid dance to begin. Ugh. I hate my job.

Final Update

The final effect:


The dance went well and we raised money in which I get none of it...in which I never see any of it or get to use any of it...Ugh...I hate my job. The worse part is that as we took everything down we noticed our "red carpet" which was stuck with some tape stuff to the gym floor had left residue - really stubborn residue. The dance ended at 11 - we got out of there at 12:15 after scraping and putting chemicals on the stuff. It was so much fun. Ugh...I hate my job.