PTC - yeah you know me...

Okay it is just past five o'clock when I start to write this entry and here I am in the midst of Parent Teacher Conferences. Just another 'fun' aspect of the teaching profession. In order to make myself more available to parents because a phone is super inconvenient I have to sit here and wait around for parents to come by and ask me the same stupid question over and over again.

"Should my kid take the AP test?"

"Why isn't my child comprehending the book?"

"Why is my child getting an 'F'?"

And these sort of things. It is a real blast let me tell you. And I, being the diplomat I am, sit here with a happy face and tell them (a bold faced lie) that I love their child and am so glad they grace me with their presence every other day.

What I would LOVE to answer those questions above with would be the following:

"Should my kid take the AP test?"
"If you have to ask - no - I'm not sure why I am in any position to be making life decisions for your child. Maybe what you should do is when your kid is ready to get married you should come ask me if that is the right decision. Or the first job I'm sure I would have more insight into your child than you do. Heck when your kid is being supported by life support in some hospital because he snorted some substance for a little fun and drove on a suspended license running over a gaggle of catholic school girls before himself running into a light post why don't you come to me and ask me if you should pull the plug. Because obviously I spend more time with your child than you do and can answer these sort of questions. By the way the answer to all those future questions are no, no, and yes."

"Why isn't my child comprehending the book?"
"I don't know why don't you have your kid learn to read before you enroll her into an AP class.
Here is a major newsflash for you. Your kid is not smart. She pretends to be smart. You pretend they are smart, but the reality is. She is not. In fact for some delusional reason you have put your kid in an AP class even though I'm not sure they'd make it in the regular class. And that is being nice. The reality is you kid probably won't make it in the state penitentiary. The best thing you can do for your kid right now is lower expectations and when I say lower let me just say that don't let your child get lost in a room full of preschoolers because if it weren't for the size of your child's body she would be lost forever. She'd be lost in a world of lettered blocks, choo choo trains, and chutes and ladders (all about her speed). Of course that'd probably be all new to her because you probably thought she could skip that level and go right to Jr. High. You are such an insightful parent."

"Why is my child getting an 'F'?"
"The reason your kid is getting an F is probably because they don't do the homework. That usually has a correlation. But your child does study, you say? Well it also has to do with comprehension. Simply running your eyes over a book does not mean comprehension. When your kid goes to their room and says they are reading there is a good chance they are cruising the internet talking to creepy older men after having circumvented your Net Nanny program. In fact they probably have already planned their first meeting to happen when they "go out with their friends." The reality, sir/madam, your kid is getting an F because you are F'ing clueless. Do you know what F'ing clueless is? It's when you are so blind to what your kid is really doing and what your kid really gets involved in that they are doing everything they can to neglect their school work behind your back. Thus resulting in an 'F' in school. This make you F'ing clueless. The reason your kid is getting an F is because the idiot doesn't fall very far from the idiot tree."

Here is some other fun stuff you see at PTC's...

The clueless dad - the dad that wanders into the school (for probably the first time) with the blankest of blank stares on his face. Where does he go? What does he do? No body knows.

The super duper efficient wonder teacher - the teacher that has papers to grade, books to read, students to teach, air to breathe - and they can do it all while meeting with parents. They have the entire table covered with other work they are working on. Hey - it is a good chance to show off to the principle that you are "such a good teacher." Then in the classroom - doesn't matter.

Uber-mom - This is the mom that comes to meet all the teacher even though she knows that her child is getting an A or A+, if possible, in every class. But it makes her day just to go around and prove that the real reason her child is getting an A is because she is such an attentive mom and goes to parent teacher conferences and is so involved in the upbringing of her child. Hey - why not take credit for some of your DNA - turned student?

Busy Dad - Wearing a suit of course he comes in with a vengeance. There is no time for chit chat there is no time to be lost and confused like clueless dad. He is here with a purpose and he has alloted 15 mintues. So he better be able to do it now and quickly. If the system isn't comprehensive and the pattern of desks where the teachers are set up doesn't make sense he will be sure to have his secretary send an email of complaint in tomorrow. Busy Dad is usually here for two reasons - one because wife is at home eating bon bon's and is not interested in coming to this event or his wife has "been to the last 15 parent teacher conferences you can do at least one!" You know to be right to the point when you are approached by busy dad.

There are so many more but I think I'm going to leave it be for now. Maybe I should call over the next parent that is at the front of the line waiting for me to acknowledge them. 40 minutes to go and I can't wait to be out of here.

editors note: obviously this is all a hyperbole. I do quite enjoy many of my students and their parents.